When Honor Costs Respect
We often hear the terms “honor” and “respect” used together. While the dictionary considers honor and respect to be synonymous, for our purposes here, we will use the following definitions. Honor is a quality of a person that manifests itself as a code of conduct and an adherence to what is right. Respect is a feeling of deep admiration for someone elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Generally, if you have honor, live your life by a code of honor, and adhere to what is right, you will be respected by other men of honor, as well as most everyone who knows you. To quote Rob Roy, “Honor is a man’s gift to himself.” Your respect is earned through your character, honor, integrity, and courage.
There are some things that are in your control, and some things that aren’t. Whether or not you live your life with honor is totally in your control. You must give honor to yourself and then live your life by your code of honor. Also, no one can take honor from you, just as no one can give you honor. But, while no one can take your honor, it can be lost depending on how you conduct yourself
On the other hand, respect comes from other people. And, while you must earn the respect that others have for you, respect can also be lost for a multitude of reasons. The respect of others is something that is not totally under your control; it is an opinion that others hold of you. You have no control over what others think, say, or do, and this includes their opinions, or respect for you.
While you do have control over being worthy of respect, you don’t have control over whether or not someone actually respects you. If you live a life of character, honor, integrity, and courage, you are worthy of the respect of others, but you can’t force anyone to respect you. What is most important is that you control the things that you can control—living with honor and deserving the respect of those around you.
Our own heart, and not other men’s opinions, form our true honor. Samuel Coleridge
It should go without saying that you can be honorable and deserve respect without someone else actually respecting you. How you live is up to you; whether or not someone respects you is up to him. Although most of the time, when you conduct yourself honorable, others will respect you, there are times when conducting yourself honorably can cost you the respect of those around you.
A true martial artist will try to de-escalate a possible violent situation without allowing it to come to blows. If this situation occurs in a bar or someplace with a crowd of people, your de-escalation techniques may look like cowardice to some people.
Think about it. If you walk away from some drunk bully, onlookers may think you are scared, or that you are a coward, and lose respect for you. It doesn’t matter if you could easily take the bully apart; others only see your actions, not your intentions. Although you did the honorable thing by walking away instead of allowing your ego to cause you to fight, you will probably lose the respect of some of the people who witnessed you walking away.
This brings us to the question of what is more important, honor or respect? Of course, the answer is honor. You control whether or not you are honorable, but not whether someone else respects you. What is important is that you conduct yourself with honor. What others think is none of your business.
Those who truly understand the concept of honor, will have even more respect for you after seeing how you conducted yourself in that situation. As for those who are void of honor, why would you care about what they think anyway? Remember, what others think is none of your business. Not everyone’s opinion matters!
Your reputation and respect depend on the opinions of others; your honor is what truly matters. Most of the time, if you live with honor and integrity, you will have a good reputation and the respect of those around you. There are times when acting with honor can cost you the respect of some people; maintain your honor anyway. Honor is better than honors!
